the love of power, the world will know peace.

I have become overly grateful of my friends. Maybe I don't tell you enough- or at all. but just being able to call up people and talk, or text, or say Hi at church or get invited places honestly stuns me. For once I can hang out with people and be myself with out feeling the pressure to perform. I remember going to CYT with Rae and being nervous and awkwardly standing to the side, everyone trying to one up eachother- people... we're not playing Super Mario! I remember, having to go say hi to these kids and adults and seem excited or else they'll ignore you the whole night.

I've been struggling with the concept of home lately.

Home is where the heart is, never were there words so true
- Home, Beauty and the Beast (Broadway Version)

But what is my home? I've had weekends struggling to find out, is it school, is it Eastlake? Ive had says where i realize when I'm here I desire to go to my house, when I'm at my house i desire to go to my dorm. But have you ever just had this feeling of peace, that everything's just perfect in the world?

It dawned on me yesterday. Me and my sister walked along the paved street, surrounded by small townhouse shops. It created a sort of Disney-type feel. Excitement in our hearts and music in the air. The hidden stereo systems surrounded us and mocked a kind of life soundtrack following the rhythm of our steps. It was a simple act; going to the mall, watching a movie- but at the same time somewhat magical. It was obvious that our emotions were heightened. You know some say that the location in which your brain recognizes your sense of smell is connected or close to that part which stores memories of holidays, home, and love. Yet I also believe it applies to taste as well. All I know is that returning to that mall, hearing the music, and tasting the Sassy B that I always used to order brought up a feeling inside of me that I didn't even consciously notice. It was a feeling of love- but in a hidden way. I struggled to understand. I danced along the tiles and lines of the concrete contemplating the origin of the feeling. And I got it. How many times had I gone to that mall simply to get out of the house to stop feeling sorry for myself? I would go, and end up holding back tears that were initiated by the music, and go home, only to return and hope it would not occur the next time. Only returning here this time did not replicate those feelings again- but arose a sense of love and joy! Of friendship, and recognition of the beauty God had made new in my heart. This love grows day by day and honestly I don't feel I could appreciate this love if I didn't go unloved for so long. I feel half the time we express how much we love God how to love him more, and that is all good but we tend to not accept how much God loves us! The difference of John from the rest of the disciples is that he saw and treasured how much Jesus loved. Even when writing the book of John he recognizes this and prides himself as "John the beloved" and "the one whom Jesus loved". It seems like an elementary idea, I know we say it but can we all say that we feel it? Can you stand on a mountain side and feel it growing in your heart? The love you've always looked for in a person minus the disappointment that would result if you attempted this fairytale love with a feeble human mind. I havn't given up on true human love, no. But found something better. And when I do stop and fall in love, I want it to completely complement my love for God and share in it and flow out of it.

All good gifts around us
Are sent from heaven above
So thank the Lord
Oh thank the Lord for all his love

After all this contemplating, and wishing some part of my rambling crossed the lines of sense for at least one person, I glanced over to my sister. Her eyes glossed over as she struggled to find recognition in the face of a man, tried to make a connection between the strange facial features to a faint memory, and imagination of a friend. Did the feelings that I once felt encompass her heart? Will she find what I've learned... can me being there help her at all? She is so much stronger than I. God is her strength, and she encourages me to keep pressing on. Anything ive learned depending on God ive learned from her. Anyway...

"You will keep in perfect peace, him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3 NIV

I danced. I sipped my drink and felt in perfect peace in the world and trusting that everything is going to be alright- everything already is alright. I am already healed, I am already blessed, I am already living for God, not focusing improving, but new. I am already loved.