My Bestest was at the mall talking to her friend Cara* about life when a lady walks up to them and says how she noticed their bible and felt compeled to share this verse with them. If I could just take the crumbs that fell of the table here, because I believe this verse was for me as well =] Maybe you need it too!
Psalms 119: 25-32 The Message
I'm feeling terrible—I couldn't feel worse!
Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember?
When I told my story, you responded;
train me well in your deep wisdom.
Help me understand these things inside and out
so I can ponder your miracle-wonders.
My sad life's dilapidated, a falling-down barn;
build me up again by your Word.
Barricade the road that goes Nowhere;
grace me with your clear revelation.
I choose the true road to Somewhere,
I post your road signs at every curve and corner.
I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me;
God, don't let me down!
I'll run the course you lay out for me
if you'll just show me how.
Something I read in DC Talk's book "Jesus Freak".
I shared it with some when I spoke in the Faith lounge.
Tell It All To God
Talk with God with the thoughts of which your heart if full. If you enjoy the presence of God, if you feel drawn to love him, tell him so.
But what, you ask, are you to do to in times of dryness, inner resistance, and coldness? Do just the same thing. Say equally what is in your heart. Tell God that you no longer feel any love for him, that all is a terrible blank to you, that he wearies you, that his presence does not even move you, that you long to leave him for the most trifling occupation, and that you will not feel happy till you have left him and can turn to thinking about youself. Tell him all the evil you know about yourself.
Tell Him all-the good and the bad. After all, since He can see deep into your heart, He already knows what you are thinking and how you feel. But prayer is not just about us- we are told to pray fervently for others as well.
the love of power, the world will know peace.
I have become overly grateful of my friends. Maybe I don't tell you enough- or at all. but just being able to call up people and talk, or text, or say Hi at church or get invited places honestly stuns me. For once I can hang out with people and be myself with out feeling the pressure to perform. I remember going to CYT with Rae and being nervous and awkwardly standing to the side, everyone trying to one up eachother- people... we're not playing Super Mario! I remember, having to go say hi to these kids and adults and seem excited or else they'll ignore you the whole night.
I've been struggling with the concept of home lately.
Home is where the heart is, never were there words so true
- Home, Beauty and the Beast (Broadway Version)
But what is my home? I've had weekends struggling to find out, is it school, is it Eastlake? Ive had says where i realize when I'm here I desire to go to my house, when I'm at my house i desire to go to my dorm. But have you ever just had this feeling of peace, that everything's just perfect in the world?
It dawned on me yesterday. Me and my sister walked along the paved street, surrounded by small townhouse shops. It created a sort of Disney-type feel. Excitement in our hearts and music in the air. The hidden stereo systems surrounded us and mocked a kind of life soundtrack following the rhythm of our steps. It was a simple act; going to the mall, watching a movie- but at the same time somewhat magical. It was obvious that our emotions were heightened. You know some say that the location in which your brain recognizes your sense of smell is connected or close to that part which stores memories of holidays, home, and love. Yet I also believe it applies to taste as well. All I know is that returning to that mall, hearing the music, and tasting the Sassy B that I always used to order brought up a feeling inside of me that I didn't even consciously notice. It was a feeling of love- but in a hidden way. I struggled to understand. I danced along the tiles and lines of the concrete contemplating the origin of the feeling. And I got it. How many times had I gone to that mall simply to get out of the house to stop feeling sorry for myself? I would go, and end up holding back tears that were initiated by the music, and go home, only to return and hope it would not occur the next time. Only returning here this time did not replicate those feelings again- but arose a sense of love and joy! Of friendship, and recognition of the beauty God had made new in my heart. This love grows day by day and honestly I don't feel I could appreciate this love if I didn't go unloved for so long. I feel half the time we express how much we love God how to love him more, and that is all good but we tend to not accept how much God loves us! The difference of John from the rest of the disciples is that he saw and treasured how much Jesus loved. Even when writing the book of John he recognizes this and prides himself as "John the beloved" and "the one whom Jesus loved". It seems like an elementary idea, I know we say it but can we all say that we feel it? Can you stand on a mountain side and feel it growing in your heart? The love you've always looked for in a person minus the disappointment that would result if you attempted this fairytale love with a feeble human mind. I havn't given up on true human love, no. But found something better. And when I do stop and fall in love, I want it to completely complement my love for God and share in it and flow out of it.
All good gifts around us
Are sent from heaven above
So thank the Lord
Oh thank the Lord for all his love
After all this contemplating, and wishing some part of my rambling crossed the lines of sense for at least one person, I glanced over to my sister. Her eyes glossed over as she struggled to find recognition in the face of a man, tried to make a connection between the strange facial features to a faint memory, and imagination of a friend. Did the feelings that I once felt encompass her heart? Will she find what I've learned... can me being there help her at all? She is so much stronger than I. God is her strength, and she encourages me to keep pressing on. Anything ive learned depending on God ive learned from her. Anyway...
"You will keep in perfect peace, him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3 NIV
I danced. I sipped my drink and felt in perfect peace in the world and trusting that everything is going to be alright- everything already is alright. I am already healed, I am already blessed, I am already living for God, not focusing improving, but new. I am already loved.
I came into this world March 26, 1990. I was born a wonderful TEN POUNDS, which led to a C-section for my mom (thank goodness lol) haha, and I'm the eldest child. My parents took to me to my eastlake home and yes had one of those wooden stork signs proclaiming my birth. I had 2 wonderful years of being a single child until Raelene came around ( HAHAH TOTALLY KIDDING). My sister, Stephanie Raelene was born and I asked my Mom if I could have her. And she said yes =] So... im Rae's mom! haha. Then began the wonderful accounts of Rae and Jae, but thats another story. Im Janessa. I go by Jae sometimes. Its a relitively new nick name spurring from Princess Jae. My oldest nick name is Jacy. It was supposed to be JC but i was a rebel and changed the spelling on my mom. Oh, because my middle name is Christine. Other nick names are Nessa, Janess, Ness Ness, and Jane. I like to blog. I like to write. I sing dance act and graphic design. Im a computer science major because its somewhat interesting and starting salary is around 75K. I love God with all my heart and want to love him more and am dedicating my life to him. I hope that everything I do glorifies him. I wish more than anything else that concerns my life to find the man that God has made just for me, fall in love, and be married. My mom thinks im crazy... anyway. I also love to sit on my roof. I can see the whole city and think, and take notice of all God's beautiful world. It also reminds me how small I am in comparison of the world.
I joined In Motion Dance Studio when i was 3 years old taking tap and jazz. A love for dance soon grew inside of my soul. It in someways emcompasses who I am. Though i'm not as good as i wish, and I havn't been in a class for so long now - i love it. I love story telling, conveying emotion, and yes praising God through dance. Dance has been a part of everything ive ever done and really sparked my love for performing.
At the age of 5 I began to sing. Well, i probably sang before, but i joined the church choir at Otay. We were known as "Kingdom Kids" and my mom was the director. I still remember me, Rae, Lisette, and Isaac Murrio singing F-A-I-T-H You gotta have faith! haha. I also remember being SO HAPPY when i was finally old enough to join the "Kings Kids" choir, only the next week we left Otay to go start Lighthouse. From there my singing focused on Christian Youth Theatre shows and in my vocal classes in middle and high school.
I became aware that even though I had classes, and could sight read, i still palled in comparison to my sister who was more naturally talented. It took years for me to learn that I don't need to compare to her. She is blessed, and i am blessed in other ways. I never joined my church choir because as soon as i was about to, they made it a requirement to be baptized. I was stubborn, and still unbaptized. By the time I was I was working, and starting school and couldn't commit. I love singing praise team for Vacation Bible School. I love children and hope to be blessed with some someday, but at VBS i feel like i can be the child I am, singing and dancing, and just having a great time praising God. I joined the Southern California District Choir and honestly feel that is where I belong. I love it with all my heart and can't wait to see where we go.
When i was 3 we moved to Bonita and I went to Little People's Preschool. This is where I grew a love for the outdoors. We lived in a cool house on sweetwater road that had a barn in front! For a while we had two sheep named Casper and Lucy? I forget the other ones name... Anyway. This is where I was a tomboy. Haha. I played outside with lizards rather than in the house with dolls. My dad had no boys so naturally, as his eldest, I would help with the outside work and helped him out when he fixed cars, he let me change the oil, climb on scaffold, paint, and other "boyish" stuff. I rebeled against all things considered girly... haha... while this stage in my life was, fun, I am so glad i have learned the err of my ways and can assure you, though im not completly girly girl, I still am very girly =] . Oh, and WILL run and scream at the sight of a spider. =]
I went to Rancho Del Rey Middle School and then Eastlake high school where I developed a love for Africa. I became involved in the invisible children program because one of my directors from CYT filmed it. I became founder and president of the club at my school and raised around $700 for kids on Africa. I would LOVE to go there one day. I even spent 24 hours, spending the night in balboa park to cause attention to the 20 year long war going on there right now.
... and this is were i'm like Misa and leave you with a cliff hanger and say
To Be Continued!...
I was headed to class strolling down library walk. My last midterm for the next few weeks was only minutes away. The sun was too bright for my light sensitive eyes, so I was hurrying to get into the comfort of shade. But something stopped me. There was a man with a sign, and he didn't look like a student, i would find out later that he was actually 65. It was not the usual No on 8 or Vote Obama - the elections are over. Nor was it Rush Sigma Chi! or Recruitment for Alpha Elipsion Pi - Rush is gone and done for the quarter. Neither was it any club on campus, job fair information, or event soon to come. But a list of titles... to my dismay I can't remember them all, or even a few, but they went in a Bold Red Type SATAN'S CHILDREN, and in Times Black... Hypocritical Christians, Lost Jews, Muslims, Girly-men... the list continues, and then in red bold in a larger text, REPENT OR HELL. Yes it disturbed me. But mostly provoked a number of questions. Yes, we realize there is sin in this world, more sin than goodness, but are we in such a place to condemn one another?
Does not the bible say, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" Matthew 7:1-3 NIV
The way in which the message puts this is just so powerful...
"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor."
I realize we cannot accept sinful lifestyles or attitudes, yet we can't say repent or hell, either right?
"Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden." Romans 9:18
But what is the line between acceptance and condemning to hell?
When i went back after class, the man was still there with a crowd of 30 students all argueing and he was yelling at them. He was saying how we should quit school to learn the bible but none of us would because we are all caught up in our sin loving lives. I asked him, how he knows if I am living a sinful life or not and he said - oh, i didn't mean you. What do you mean not me? Oh, well i was talking to the group, not you. ....
anyway what do you guys think? Me and misa were talking about how it would be sik to have more of a discussion on these forums so discuss! =]
excuse the photo quality, it was taken by my horrible phone. lol.
My eye was bugging me so bad I finally woke up my parents and showed them, when they took me to the ER. They gave me this numbing stuff that made everything feel wonderful! and put me on vicadin.haha. SBut i can't see as im typing this. There is al ulcer in my eye? i have to go to a more specialized doctor tomorrow, so no school =] I Oh they put a dye in my eye to see what was wrong that turned my eye greenish blue!! haha it was cool. So im off to go pick up my perscription and glasses from college. It still hurts a lot and my vision in my right eye is really clouded. I know what it feels like to be like going blind! But I thank you all for your prayers and how encouraging you all have bee, seriously. I am confident that JESUS WILL EHAL ME!!
YESS!! Keep praying =] and i'll keep believing =]
<3 Nessa
